Language

Avoid any accusatory language. For example, starting a discussion by saying something like, “You always…” is a sure way to an argument. Indeed, starting any discussion that might be unpleasant with the word “you” isn’t a good idea. The other person will be put on the defensive, and may start pointing a finger at you too.

Instead, use the word “I” so that the focus of your issue is on you and not the other person. Instead of saying “you do this…”, say “I feel…” (and go on to say how you feel, without taking on a blaming stance).

For example, let’s suppose you are upset when your partner doesn’t call when he’s running late. If you want to put him on the defensive and start an argument, you might accuse him like this: “You never call when you’re running late! Don’t you know how to use a phone? It’s rude and inconsiderate.”

A better way to handle this issue is like this: “I get worried that something has happened to you when you’re running late. I know, I’m such a worry wart! Maybe you could help me out and call if you’re late so that I don’t have to pluck out any gray hairs.”

Do you see how the above not only uses humor, but also turns the situation around on the person who started the conversation? The other person can’t get defensive if you make the conversation about you rather than blaming them.